The Realist Commercial for the Realist Hair Color

I really guess I am that guy. The guy who has a blog, tells people to read it, and then alternates between abandoning and reviving it for years. It's like the crossfit of writing onli--HAHA JUST KIDDING nothing is as bad as those people. The shame in letting the blog die has finally overcome the shame in returning. I didn't really quit this blog...I just stopped writing it down. My friends will (bemoaningly) attest to that.

It's been four years and we've learned nothing about making smart commercials. Here we are in this golden age of television with a seemingly infinite amount of good programming and yet the ads in between haven't improved one bit. Maybe they just know we're not paying attention anyways and are focusing on getting real estate on the other screens we're looking at. Unfortunately, I can't help but notice how lazy (and in today's case, dishonest!) they are. It's the second Just for Men commercial I've written about. Let's check it out!

   

They sent two women on a REAL* (not real) guys night out! It's just such perfect timing that the "actor portrayal" disclaimer pops up just as they say "real." It's like the fake news of commercials! For now, let's just look at the premise of the commercial itself...why exactly did someone think this was a good or interesting idea? Whoa, they let women tag along on a guys night out?! Is that even legal?! I would venture to say most "guys night out" activities are centered around trying to talk to women (amongst single guys, of course) but I guess men and women hanging out is really supposed to blow our minds.

But fine, Just for Men broke all the rules and now these women are...supposed to find out who uses Just for Men...for some reason? What exactly were these women looking for beyond how the guys look, anyways? Would a wimpy Just for Men user not be good at pool or order a Cosmo to drink? Of course the girls guess the wrong guy, right? Nope! The dude just tells the girls, "hey, it's me" and the girls act surprised* (except who actually knows because this isn't real). We were having an experiment here until you ruined it! Isn't the whole premise of Just for Men that people don't have to know that you use it?

So surprise, surprise, it's the one of the group that looks like Jamie fucking Lannister. Of course it isn't enough of a message to just say "see, even young, attractive men can go grey and we can easily help." They also had to use the super exaggerated "before and after" approach, the first of which looks like what I look like after binge drinking for an entire weekend in Vegas. And after using Just for Men? A spray tan, healthy looking skin, and far more complimentary lighting. They might as well have put him through the flower crown filter on Snapchat for good measure. Of course the attractive (albeit mildly grey) version is the one we see the guy actually using the product. But does he actually use the product? Who knows, the commercial said they were all actors!

The only possible explanation for this bizarre commercial making any semblance of sense is that it was meant to be longer than 15 seconds but someone changed their minds and decided to make it a 15 second spot and someone did the best they could to cut it down. If a longer version previously aired, I never saw it--and I don't need to see any more of a sexy murder reenactment version of a hair dye commercial.

On Vitamin C and Auto Insurance Agents

I saw a billboard today for Odwalla juice or naked juice or something and it said "Vitamin C has never tasted this good." It just struck me as a really dumb thing to say. Has anyone ever thought to themselves "I wish there was a tastier way to get my Vitamin C?" Those chewable orange-flavored Vitamin C tablets are delicious. I'm sure the juice tastes great but it's not like I would sitting there drinking it and thinking "I can't believe there's vitamin C in this; it tastes too good!" Anyways, I'm just sick of advertisements saying that really don't make any sense...kinda like this State Farm commercial.

As they've been doing for seemingly years now, State Farm continues to perpetuate this myth that their agents are these social mavens that everyone in the neighborhood loves. I mean hell, apparently Aaron Rodgers just hangs out at their office all the time. I would venture to say most people don't even know their auto insurance agent's name but in State Farm's world they're local celebrities. It must be tough to be a State Farm agent when you can't even go to the grocery store without everyone recognizing you and asking you about renter's insurance. State Farm really should change their dress code policy that apparently stipulates you wear a red sweater everywhere you go.

So on to this specific commercial. You're telling me this guy actually asked his insurance agent to come to a basketball game with him? It's just such an unintentionally sad premise for a commercial. Clearly the guy is lonely and has no friends to take to the game with him. How would that idea even enter a normal person's mind? So you're happy that your insurance agent helped save you some money and you're thinking of a way to thank him and your conclusion is "I'll take him to a basketball game?" When I go to my dentist appointment in a couple weeks I almost just want to casually say "hey you've done some great work here, wanna go catch a ballgame sometime?" to see his reaction. To me that sounds like "I have no friends and you're the first person I've had a positive interaction with this week so you need to be my friend." The poor guy must have no friends and some serious family problems if he's hanging out with the guy from State Farm. Really sad stuff guys.

I'm not gonna get into the whole dancing thing. It isn't funny and really doesn't make any sense how they have this entire dance choreographed but I'm going to let it go. What I do want to point out however is the fact that NO ONE around them gives a crap about their stupid dance. Usually at a game when someone is on the big screen everyone around them is either watching the people do whatever it is they're doing or they're trying to obnoxiously get their face into the shot so they can see themselves on the big screen too. But not here--everyone is just sitting in this strange silence like thy're trying to pretend that they don't even see what's going on. It must be because they're trying to be respectful of the celebrity auto insurance agent and don't want to gawk too much.

DiGiorno Doesn't Deliver

Don't call it a comeback! God, I hate when people say that...and I therefore hate myself for letting that creep into my mind. When is that gonna die? The song is 20+ years old (no seriously, look it up) and people still routinely use it in reference to something that could undoubtedly be considered a comeback. 37 (Yes, I counted) people on Twitter have said "don't call it a comeback" today, most of which are in reference to the New York Rangers being down 3-2 in the Eastern Conference Finals against the New Jersey Devils. If the Rangers do come back to win the series, it is not only unequivocally a comeback in every sense of the word but it will also be considered a comeback too. So really, let's just put an end to this as it should have exited the lexicon about 18 years ago. Are people actually going to be saying YOLO in 20 years?

Shit, this is my commercial blog isn't it? Sorry guys, that escalated quickly. Let's get back on track. I guess I'm getting back to work on this blog for the time being mostly because I'm sick of my friends ribbing me about how they "used to know this one friend who had a blog about commercials" every time I mention something about a commercial. While I'm pretty sure they were saying that just to annoy me and weren't in fact clamoring for the return of the blog I'm going to do it anyways just so they can shut up.

By now you've probably already stopped reading either because you don't give a crap about my thoughts on LL Cool J lyrics from the early 90's or you see that I've got an older DiGiorno commercial queued up here. I know, I know, this is a complete softball of a commercial to critique. But hey, I've been out of the game for a few months I need to warm up a little. I just spent the last 5 minutes trying to think of a middling professional athlete who made an unceremonious comeback to compare myself to, but drew a blank. (If anyone thinks of one we can edit it in later.) Basically it's like if Mark Madsen inexplicably came out of retirement in hopes of making an NBA roster. Like me, he would need some time in the D(igiorno)-League too. So here we are.



Before we go any further, I just want to marvel at the fact that this clip was uploaded to Youtube as "Pizza_Man.wmv." If I had to bet my life I would have said it was 3 minute porn clip that some kid downloaded on Limewire in 2002. Moving on...you've probably seen this commercial before as it's pretty old. Why this commercial has been airing for over a year I don't know. Actually I do know why: DIGIORNO HAS NOT HAD A NEW IDEA FOR A COMMERCIAL FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER! It's always: someone sees/eats pizza and asks if it's delivery (or confuses it with delivery), which everyone agrees would never happen. This is probably true on premise alone--even if they DID confuse the pizza with pizza from a delivery chain no one would never say "is this delivery?" They would say "hey where did you get this pizza from?" And not *all* Americans are so lazy they need to have their pizza delivered...WHAT ABOUT CARRY-OUT DIGIORNO? There are a lot of great specials that are carry-out only, you guys. Basically what I'm trying to say that Digiorno has been beating a dead horse (or in Geico's case, a dead pig) into the ground for years now with an idea that never really worked anyways. It's an ad campaign that was baked in the oven for about 15 minutes at 350).

So on to this particular commercial. It's really got it all in terms of terrible ideas:
1.The kid disguising the box with duct tape(I'm sure that will do the trick...especially when the guy answers the door and the one part of the box you can see is the part that still says "Digiorno" on it. They did, however, fix this at the 18 second mark but just didn't care enough to fix it at the beginning I guess)
2. Cheap attempt at comedy with awkward white kid dancing with the black guys.
3. No one apparently finds it odd that this huge party only had one pizza delivered.
4. Oh hey! Nerdy kid hitting on chick out of his league! What a gag!

I'd like to take this opportunity to say that as far as frozen pizzas go, Digiorno is the Rolls Royce of frozen pizzas. I used to buy it on occasion in college and share it with my roomate. My roommate in turn would buy mediocre Red Baron and share it with me because he is a cheap son of a bitch. While I enjoy Digiorno I don't think I'd ever confuse it with Domino's or Papa John's. But hey, I've always had Digiorno knowing it came out of my freezer so maybe I've never had the chance to see the placebo effect at work.

I just hate ads like this where they have to show a hyper-fictionalized story to demonstrate the value of their product. If DiGiorno really believes in their pizza why don't they do some blind taste tests and give us the results? I, for one, would be impressed if 5 out of 10 people mistook DiGiorno for pizza from a major chain. I guess to the common eye 5 out of 10 would be wildly unimpressive though so they'll never do it...But I'm done with you yet DiGiorno! Here is what you do in lieu of a simple blind taste test setup in the mall or whatever: go to a suburban area and open up a pizza place. Spread the word about this place and deliver pizzas for the price of the standard DiGiorno pizza you can get at the grocery for $5. Survey the customers and see what they think. I suspect that people would say the pizza was pretty good and that they would have it again--if real people ate the pizza on the assumption that it was delivery pizza I think they would say it was passable as a delivery pizza. But if you give me a Digiorno and ask me if it's as good as delivery I'm saying no. If I could see real people mistaking Digiorno for delivery I would think the commercials were a lot more effective than seeing a rogue "pizza man" crashing a party with someone he pulled out of his oven at home. Is this plan fairly elaborate? Yes. Doable? Absolutely. So please, DiGiorno, actually put your pizza up to the test of scrap this campaign entirely.

Do not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200

I've come out of semi-retirement to post this. Aside from the jabbing with LeBron at the fact that he'll never be as good as Jordan, this commercial fails on all levels. For the most part, this commercial would be a lot more believable with just a simple fix: switch the prizes Lebron and Stacy win. Are you telling me that Stacy here just won a million dollars and that's her reaction? Wouldn't you think she would be a little more excited about winning a million dollars (especially considering if she won a million dollars she could meet her girlfriends at a nicer place for lunch than McDonald's)? And conversely there's LeBron, a millionaire who we're supposed to believe would be excited about winning a free order of fries. Even worse, he looks around with a goofy "i haven't been this pleased with myself since that solitary time I made a clutch shot in the playoffs" look.

You switch their reactions and it's absolutely perfect. Stacy realizes she's won.....FREE FRIES! "AYYYYYAYAYA I can cash this in next time I eat here for lunch and save some money since the only possible explanation I meet my friends at McDonald's for lunch is because I'm completely broke!" Then we cut to LeBron who realizes "ha, I won a million dollars right now! Just figures because I think I'm about 200x cooler than anyone else on the planet thinks." Then he looks around with a wry look on his face thinking how much better he is than everyone else.

Wait, maybe LeBron would be excited about winning fries. I think at this point LeBron is probably excited to win anything. Oh and if LeBron ever actually eats McDonald's he TOTALLY goes by himself and then sits down and eats it right there.

Sidenote: When I first saw the asterisk on the claim that "1 in 4* wins," I thought they were referencing to the fact that for 5 years the monopoly game was rigged.

I can't hold this one in any longer

I haven't had a new post in a good while, but with every viewing of this Corona commercial I grew closer and closer to doing what I just did now: saw the commercial, yelling "that's it, I'VE ABSOLUTELY HAD IT WITH THIS COMMERCIAL" and furiously logged in to the blog so I could complain about it...somehow this will make me feel better next time I see it. ("haha, Corona! You think you won by making this commercial that annoys me tremendously but I have bested you by complaining about the commercial to the whole world! Ok, so more like 5 or 6 of my friends, but anyway).

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but have you ever been served anything in glass bottle on an airplane?! I think the director's cut of this commercial probably ends with this guy and girl breaking their bottles on their arm rests and demanding everyone give them their wallets. (Wait, Quentin Tarantino didn't direct this commercial? Well he should have.)

Yes yes I know, finding Corona in a can is quite rare and seeing someone drink it out of a can is pretty much the least cool thing you can do. Seriously. Michael Phelps drank Corona in a can at a basketball game once on camera and it was controversial because he's too cool to do things like that. Go to google and type in "michael phelps corona" and watch how the auto complete suggests "in a can" to you. You drink Corona in a can and people don't forget.

So I understand that they didn't want to film this commercial using cans and wanted to opt for their trademark bottles instead. I feel like this is another classic case of "well let's just ignore reality because we really like this airplane idea so we're going to do it anyways." Really? This was the only scenario you could think of where you just want to tune out everyone and relax? How about a guy and a girl hanging out at a bar where some guy is singing terrible karaoke? At least that's a scenario that could not be misunderstood as an act of terrorism.

After the first 15 seconds of this commercial I've always already flown into a rage. It couldn't get any worse right? Oh wait, the girl orders a corona too and the flight attendant hands it to her FROM OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE. Is there some hidden flight attendant sitting in the row in front of this girl with a corona and lime ready to sneakily hand to the flight attendant on the beverage cart in anticipation of the lady's order? There must be, because it's the only possible explanation.

Congratulations Corona, you made me so upset that I defeated my lethargy to write this post. And believe me, that takes a lot to do.

I on the other hand, am badcommercialphobic

I am back from hiatus! Sadly, I’m not entirely sure anyone noticed. For my return to mediocre blogging I’ve decided to write up a post with a slightly different, more investigative approach. One of the criticisms I’ve received on this blog (well let’s be honest, I’ve only received one criticism because my blog is either great or no one cares enough to criticize it) is that I do more complaining than anything and offer no substance or solutions to the problems I present. Today I will (hopefully) silence my critic(s) with a more substantive post.

Over the past decade or so, America has slowly began to see prominent members of society out themselves as being gay as well as an increase in outed people in the general population. Support for the gay community and their rights has never been higher and the idea of someone being homosexual is no longer a taboo subject. Of course, the backlash to this movement seems to be just as passionate in steeping society in their archaic ways.

So what does this have to do with commercials? It seems to me that in recent years the concept of homosexuality has crept its way into commercials. While this seemingly sounds progressive, it isn’t. Now that homosexuality is a more common subject of conversation, it is now relegated to be what any popular subject is to be in commercials—a cheap source of comedy.

From what I’ve seen, there are currently three different commercials airing that incorporate the idea of homosexuality for a laugh (well an attempt at a laugh, since 98% of commercials that are supposed to be funny aren’t). Behold:


This one for Klondike is by far the biggest offender in its blatant homophobia. They take some of the most stereotypical “those guys can’t possibly be gay” figures in the bikers and make them hold hands because they supposedly fear “a moment of intimacy.” In doing so, Klondike is only furthering the mislead belief that “certain types of people” are gay and it would be absolutely ridiculous for a biker to be gay.

Sure Klondike, I’m sure everyone is thinking “haha that’s funny because those two tough guys don’t want to hold hands with each other because they’re afraid of intimacy.” To me it’s abundantly clear that the joke is two MEN are holding hands instead of two people afraid to hold hands because it’s “intimate.” Of course, this “challenge” is hyperbolized as being extremely arduous to the two men because they’re extremely “afraid of intimacy” (read: homophobic).

Klondike clearly knew what they were doing with this commercial by placing the homophobia under the guise of intimacy. If this were really about intimacy, why couldn’t the “challenge” have been a tough biker holding his mom’s hand or something along those lines? And after their time is up, why do two women jump onto the scene and the bikers immediately turn to them and away from each other? It was obvious to Klondike that blatantly saying “can these two men hold hands for 5 seconds?” would not be acceptable…why they thought calling homophobia something else and running with that is beyond me.

Really the only leg Klondike has to stand on would be the defense that they’re mocking that these bikers are homophobic to an embarrassing extent. Then again, calling this series of commercials “what the fudge?” moments seems to furthers the idea that the concept of men holding hands is blasphemous, not the ideas of the men themselves.


While I wouldn’t necessarily expect a frozen confectioner to resort to homophobia to promote their product, it doesn’t surprise me that a beer company would make a commercial such as this one. This one is certainly not as bad as the Klondike ad, but it also perpetuates multiple stereotypes that hinder the promotion of tolerance.

The setting: construction. Again, I presume that the construction scene was picked because some would think it would be inconceivable that a gay man could work in construction. Next the guy imagines he sees the prototypical Cindy Crawford looking woman because of course, this is what a “normal” man should picture in his head as an attractive person. He then asks “what’s your name” to the woman who isn’t actually there and the question instead is directed to the guy bending over in front of him. This scenario of course ends in extreme embarrassment.

Like I said, this commercial isn’t nearly as bad as the first one. But why even broach the subject of homophobia if you don’t have to? This same humor could have been achieved by replacing the bending over male with an old woman or something. A man hitting on an old lady seems more out of the ordinary than a man hitting on another man to me.


This Jack in the Box commercial is certainly a lot tamer than the other two (and definitely tamer than their other ad that encourages smoking weed and driving under the influence), but it still stands out to me. Obviously Jack and the guy hugging each other is supposed to be embarrassing and the girl thinks she has just discovered a huge secret about the two and this is all supposed to be funny because the two don’t want the girl to think they’re gay.

My question is simply: is this the best you really can do? It’s just such a simplistic idea to get a cheap laugh. I really think society as a whole has moved past the idea of “haha look at those guys, they’re gay.”

When those writing and filming these commercials make that advancement, however, remains to be seen.

Being Ridiculously Unrealistic: One of the Staples of Commercials

I understand that commercials aren't meant to be taken seriously (yes, I can hear you yelling "then why the hell do you waste your time on this blog?!") but I feel commercials that blend aspects of realism and the ridiculous are among the worst. I never know whether to take the commercial seriously or if it's just a caricature I'm meant to laugh at. Now sure, this commercial is probably more of a joke than anything but I still think it's entirely plausible that someone's house could be robbed and their piece of junk computer was left behind (though it does seem unusual that someone robbing a house would have the time and desire to steal a computer desk...must have been a hell of a desk).

So the family gets home from their vacation to see their house completely stripped...can you imagine that happening to you?! I would be screaming obscenities, the kid would probably be crying and wondering aloud if they took his xbox, and the wife would immediately dash into the bedroom to see if all her jewelry was gone. So what actually happens in this commercial?

"Oh, we got robbed."

Yep, that's it. No emotion whatsoever. Not even the slightest bit of panic. Thanks for stating the obvious dad! Now you could argue that the family is just in shock..but that argument falls apart as we watch the family meandering throughout the house while seemingly continuing not to care that all of their valuables are gone. Maybe they just have the best insurance money can buy? Still think they would care though.

When the family sees the computer wasn't stolen, it's not "well at least they didn't take the computer"t's "maybe we should get a new computer." This idea is apparently a new one brought on solely by the fact that the computer wasn't stolen and had nothing to do with the fact that it's ancient looking and is likely slow. Maybe it's just me, but I usually value a product's utility over whether or not someone else would want to steal it.

By far the most ridiculous aspect of this commercial though is the fact that family's first plan upon their house being robbed is to buy a new computer...of course that's what someone would do! "I know our house just got ripped apart and we have a million things to replace, but we should totally buy a new computer despite the fact that we have one that we would have definitely kept if not for a robber not wanting it."

So is this a terrible idea for a commercial? No...it might actually be a decent concept. The problem here is they take an obvious satire and then pretend like it isn't a joke. Had the family ran around the house in a panic screaming "OH GOD THE COMPUTER!" thinking the computer is valuable when it in fact isn't, it might have even been funny (technically inept people that don't realize they're living in the past is usually funny). Instead, the commercial opens somberly with a family you believe is shocked beyond emotion and then Staples reveals the punchline they did nothing to set up. Except that by the time you realize the joke it's too late to laugh and probably wasn't that funny anyway.

Extra nitpicking: The couple goes to Staples and they buy a new laptop and the guy says he transfered all their files off their old computer to the new laptop. The wife then asks the Staples guy if he moved the wedding video, the baby pictures, and the taxes onto the the new computer. If I were the Staples guy, I probably would have just said: "Everything that was on your old computer is on this one!" Instead, the Staples guy answers yes to her questions about the sensitive data--almost knowingly. How does he know there's a wedding video on the computer? Hmmmm...

(Thanks to Curtis for the discussion about this one)

Cue Several Things That Make No Sense

Friends don't let friends make commercials drunk...ergo the people who made this commercial don't likely have any friends. I don't even know where to start so I guess we'll just go in order.

1. The party: Who throws a party the first weekend they move in? Why wouldn't this dude just wait until he was settled the following weekend to throw it? "Hey guys, just moved in to my apartment 5 minutes ago, wanna come over and drink? Don't mind the cardboard boxes everywhere and we can set up the 2 bottles of Jose Cuervo that I got for the party on my dresser."

Conclusion: This guy clearly just moved out of his parents' house and is 27 years old and couldn't wait to throw a party, as evidenced by the complete lack of preparation and patience.


2. Guy on the sofa: Why is he sleeping? Did he hit the Cuervo early on and already passed out? I find this unlikely because at any normal party there would be at least like 2 people screwing with him since he passed out with his shoes on. On top of that, the guy is way too light of a sleeper for being a passed out drunkard if he was actually startled awake like that. If he isn't drunk, does that mean he was so exhausted from carrying that couch upstairs the he immediately fell asleep before the party started? If he knew there was going to be a party, wouldn't he opt to sleep elsewhere? If he isn't drunk and didn't fall asleep before the party started, did he fall asleep during the party? Who would go to a party and just decided that they wanted to go to sleep in the middle of everything?

Conclusion: There's a reason he's called the "guy that brought the couch up" and not "the friend that brought the couch up." He is obviously a homeless guy who was promised a ham sandwich if he helped this guy with moving and the homeless guy talked his way into earning a night on the couch. Maybe a hot shower too.


3. The best housewarming gift ever: So this girl just walked into the apartment without knocking or anything? I guess I missed the sign on the door that said "no strangers unless you're a pretty girl in pajamas and will immediately flirt with me upon barging in." Honestly though, who would just walk into a complete stranger's party in their pajamas and look like they're happy to be there? Now if this girl walked in to say "tell your loud friends to shut the hell up" it would make complete sense but it's obvious that isn't the case.

Conclusion: She is referred to as a "gift" because she actually is an escort purchased by a friend as an actual housewarming gift. She's about to say "I heard you just moved in all by yourself and you're used to mom and dad in the room across the hall when you sleep...want some company tonight?"


4. The couple that got off on the wrong floor: Why exactly did they get off on the wrong floor? Do they live in the building and forgot to take their medication and have no idea where they are? Are they supposed to be visiting someone in the building but just decided they didn't want to anymore and would rather drink tequila with a bunch of kids 40 years younger than them?

Conclusion: Someone is going to be very confused in the morning when they get a voicemail that says "Hi John, this is your grandma Gladys. Just wanted to let you know how much fun we had at your engagement party last night. I hope you liked the blender, we should have used it with all that Cuervo we threw back! I know this isn't my place to say, but I didn't think your fiance was very presentable last night. Who doesn't change out of their pajamas when they have guests over?"


5. The Cuervo: I would love to go to a party that had two bottles of Cuervo as the only thing to drink. I would love it even more if there were just shot glasses and nothing to mix/chase the tequila with.

Conclusion: Hold on, I've got to make myself a margarita after I had to watch this commercial six times to write this post.

AT&T Reception vs. Their Commercials: Which is Worse?

Today we welcome back AT&T for another appearance. In the commercial failure hall of shame, AT&T is definitely a first ballot hall of shamer (but not the MVP, that honor obviously goes to values.com). Just as with every commercial pretty much ever, we are presented with our male protagonist being an idiot.

But this idiot has AT&T so his idiocy will be masked by his network's awesome ability to allow him to talk and use the internet at the same time! Wow! Did you just see that? Wait, what did we just see? He saved what, 10 seconds by googling a place to get a reservation while in the process of getting off the phone? Who is watching this commercial with their Verizon iPhone and is thinking "damn, I hope that never happens to me since my phone can't do that?"

AT&T has a few commercials that are based on this same premise of talking and browsing at the same time (and rightfully so since it's about the only advantage they have over Verizon). I imagine their marketing team sat down and brainstormed situations where you would need to be able to use the internet while on the phone at the same time...and you're telling me this was one of the best ideas they had? Why couldn't the guy have been on a business call and gotten an email from his wife asking about dinner? Why couldn't the guy had been on the phone with a potential client and needed to look up some key information about the client while on the phone?

One last thing: If this guy is so tech savvy with his iPhone and making reservations online, why is he sitting in a conference room without a computer and writing out notes?

Trading Logic For Simplicity

So you're looking to buy a car eh? What kind of car are you thinking about? A sedan? An SUV? A truck? A great first question to consider. So you want an SUV? Ok, I can understand that. That brings you to the next decision: what color do you want? That's only natural right? I know when I buy a car I'll be looking for a black coupe. Brand? Model? Year? Who cares, as long as it's the right color it doesn't matter. My friend told me he wanted to buy a 2008 Honda Civic 4 door with a manual transmission and a moonroof and I just laughed at him. Who is that picky about about something they're going to use every day for years?

The Great Super Bowl Commercial Bitch-off, Part 2

A few more thoughts on the USA Today rankings. Apparently this panel consists of only "282 adult volunteers in Bakersfield, CA, and McLean, VA." And all the media outlets place such credence in these ratings why again? I can't speak to McLean, VA, but I can almost assure you that there's no way they found more than 20 sober people in the city of Bakersfield to participate in this.

Given the history of the successful ads of the past, why doesn't every single commercial use cheap physical comedy or human-like animals for their spot? It's clear that's all you need to do to garner high approval ratings. Combine the two (the Doritos pug ad) and you land the top spot! At least relying entirely on star power and having little to no substance (like the Adrien Brody, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, or Glee cast ads) landed you near the bottom of the rankings. Moving on...



I bet Groupon actually came up with a way better idea for this commercial but they didn't have enough time to film and produce it. It probably went something like this:

Arid Egypt. One of the most wondrous lands in the world. This is Timothy Hutton. The people of Egypt are in trouble. Their very outlet for culture is in jeopardy....but they still riot like crazy in the streets! And because 200 of us bought at groupon.com we're each getting a $30 credit on our internet bill for $15 so we can watch the riots on YouTube!

Super obvious things here that make no sense: So everyone at the restaurant (including these two) are all drinking wine and this girl orders a Pepsi Max? Who drinks wine and soda together? What kind of fine dining restaurant even serves Pepsi Max? If they do, why do they serve it in a can? Is that some kind of shame tactic to deter people from drinking soda in their establishment? And why are these two conversing via ESP when we previously learned the best way to communicate on a first date is via facebook?



You know what really annoys me at the gym? All those shirtless personal trainers who are such showoffs at the gym. Oh wait, I'm pretty sure that never happens.



Eminem doesn't do commercials...except for, you know, that other one he did that aired an hour later. I'm sure this is what happened:

Lipton Guy: What do you mean you're doing another commercial?!
Eminem: Yeah I'm doing one for Chrysler, it's actually a lot better than yours.
Lipton Guy: Maybe people won't notice our commercial says you don't do commercials even though you actually did one in the flesh rather than the claymation junk you made us do. Maybe we'll get lucky and ours will air first?

...And they did get lucky. It would have been a lot funnier the other way around.



Ladies and gentlemen, your USA Today worst rated commercial! Hydudai might as well have taken the $9 million they spent on dumb commercials this Sunday and dropped it from a plane over Cowboys stadium before the game and they would have generated more positive press. They made all these claims about how compact cars don't have to be compact or boring. So what all did we learn about the new Hyundai? It gets 40 MPG. Oh. Learned a lot guys, thanks. Usually cars that are exciting have prominent features past solid MPG. It's ok though, I'm sure the car is great like you say!

The Great Super Bowl Commercial Bitch-off

I know so many of you (read: 2 people) were clamoring for a live blog during the super bowl yesterday, but my distaste in pretty much 98% of the commercials would have been an overload of work for me that I probably would have missed the entire game. Instead, I'll go through all the commercials on youtube and pick out the ones that irritated me the most. I'm hoping to keep that number under 20 commercials but we'll see...and we're off!



This spot left me asking one thing: "why?" Why do you need to see Adrien Brody singing to want to buy Stella Artois? Why do we only see the beer on like 3 occasions? Why is he singing in Frenglish? (Engrench? You get the point, let's move on). Why does Stella think some guy who is ignoring every woman in the bar is a good spokesman for their beer? Why have I never tried Stella before when it appears to be kind of popular? And why oh why did this commercial have to be 60 seconds?! Someone please tell me why this commercial has a better message by being 60 seconds instead of 30 seconds...So we can hear more near incomprehensible singing with about 6 total seconds of the beer being on screen? Stella could have given me the $3 million they spent for that extra 30 seconds and the commercial would have been no less "successful."



Wow, saying something inappropriate in a work email and hitting "reply all?" That's awful! You would definitely be fired! Stealing co-workers' laptops and phones? Naw, you'd probably just get a slap on the wrist for that.



According to USA Today, this was the best commercial of the super bowl. I'm not gonna say it was a terrible commercial, but it was pretty pedestrian. It's a sad state of affairs when this commercial is considered "the best" by the public...this is really the best we can do? To make matters even worse, the commercial was made by a "31-year-old part-time designer of websites for kids." So all the companies in America spend the most time and money to put together what they consider to be their strongest commercials of the year and they get beat by an amateur. That's embarrassing.



This was definitely the dumbest thing advertised yesterday. Has anyone honestly ever thought to themselves "I wish my phone would read me my facebook news feed?" There's no way. Isn't having it on your cell phone enough? I'm pretty sure I would veer into oncoming traffic if my car if it was telling me things like "I'm so hungry. FML" and "Don't want to study lol" in a robotic voice.

There are so many other things wrong with this commercial. It seems like these two are perfect for each other because they're way too into using facebook and I'm not even talking about the fact that the guy owns a car that includes facebook. First off, why are they already facebook friends prior to their first date? I think that's a little premature. Then she immediately updates her facebook status after kissing him? If I'm this guy, I'm showing up to the next date an hour late and making her split the dinner check with me just because I can.

One last side note: I HATE people like Jennifer French who post status updates for the primary benefit of one person. Why do you need to share something with everyone that you really just want one person to see? JUST SEND HIM A FREAKING MESSAGE IF YOU WANT HIM TO KNOW.


That last one took a lot out of me...more to come later.

Screen Images Simulated Fabricated

This isn't so much about the commercial itself--it's a fine angle to market the importance of having a reliable cellular network (though I'd say it's more of an indictment of being way too insecure and angry than it is of a faulty network).

But no, today this post is more about a practice in cell phone commercials that drives me absolutely insane. I've poked fun at this before in a previous posting but I wanted to discuss it again becuase it's just so annoying: why do the images on cell phone screens have to be "simulated?" Why can't you just show us what the content on the screen actually looks like?! This is very similar to the credit card swiping injustice that the credit card companies refuse to acknowledge or fix. I swear I'm not the only one who notices these things, right?

Anyways, when have you ever received a message on your phone that resembled anything like what our short-fused friend got in this commercial? Have you ever had a message that automatically opened when you received it either? Me neither. Though contrary to the commercial I have definitely not received a message on time becuase I had AT&T...

So what is the point of fabricating these screen images? Would this commercial be any worse if that cute taco party invite were replaced with an email or a text message that said the same thing? It just seems like a misrepresentation of a product to me. Like I said before, the commercial is fine, but why the need to distort the capabilities of the cell phone?

Seriously though, why does this guy flip out that much about not hearing about the taco party? Seems like a guy with that bad of an attitude would be terrible for the office environment. He should be fired so he can use his severance package to sign up for AT&T.

Values.com: The Bane of My Existence, Part 3

I came to a terrifying realization today: what if they never take these commercials off the air?! They're obviously printing money at their offices somehow since everywhere I look they either have a commercial on tv or an ad on a billboard or a bus stop. I swear they just added more commercials to their website which means I might be stuck writing about these for a while. WHAT DID WE DO AS A SOCIETY TO DESERVE THIS?? Do they know we're laughing/cringing at the sight of these commercials so they just keep making more in spite of us? Are they reading this blog and laughing at me? This has to stop. As before, you can watch all of their commercials to your heart's content HERE.

Classroom: This one is really too easy as I'm pretty sure everyone asks the same question upon seeing this: "Doesn't this imply that they've cheated before then?" Yes. Yes it does. But hey I guess they didn't get caught those times so good for them!

Cafeteria: They really nailed the early 90's "Clueless" type feel for this commercial. Is that what they were going for? I think it would have been a way better commercial if it had been set in a prison. Same message, but way more compelling.

Generosity: You know what isn't generous about this? Spending school funding on a bus to take an entire busload of kids to drop of a bag of cans to a shelter. I'm not sure how much it costs for a bus trip like that, but I can assure you that money could have been donated to the shelter instead. Those kids are so selfish.

Top Shelf: Making a mess in the grocery store and then abandoning the scene of the crime for someone else to deal with: pass it on!

Everyday Heroes: Hey Vanessa's mom, why didn't you just teach your daughter how to read if she was already in the third grade and didn't know how? You obviously had the time to write that letter and it looks like you either don't work or are off early enough to pick her up from school...so what have you been doing all this time instead of teaching poor Vanessa to read? The description for this commercial cracks me up:

The director wanted a warm look for the spot that would be reminiscent of the tone in the movie October Sky. During filming, the crew shot so as to create that look through the lens. In post-production, the director, cinematographer and editor changed the coloring to give the desired effect of warm light. This made for a much more intimate setting and feel. The art directors were also responsible for re-decorating the classroom to give it the desired look -- they hung up the alphabet, artwork, bulletin boards and even painted the walls! The crew also had to put everything back to normal after the filming.

Um, it's a terrible commercial, not a multi-million dollar film. I don't think anyone noticed any of this work you did...and now that I do, I still don't care.

Reach: So I guess we're just not supposed to notice that the two lane highway they're on is allegedly one way only and there aren't cars driving the wrong way. Magical. But the real magic was apparently in the acting.

The concluding line - "Saved the day!" - was unscripted. It came naturally to the actor, the director liked it, and the team decided to keep it.

Impressive stuff! How did he come up with that? And why didn't I see him on the Golden Globes last weekend?

Truck Stop: So did he take that photo out of his wallet so he wouldn't feel guilty next time this happened? I couldn't tell.

Deli: Sorry, but I'm not going to be nice if guy at the deli counter is being a jerk. If this were real life, the guy would have stood up and said "hey, go eff yourself." Insults. Throw them back!

Values.com: The Bane Of My Existence, Pt. 2

I've really been dreading having to watch more of these commercials (pause for a second: THERE IS ANOTHER ONE OF THESE ASININE COMMERCIALS ON MY TV RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! MAKE THEM GO AWAY! SOMEONE!) to write up another post. Unfortunately I kind of screwed myself by announcing I would do a review of all these commercials in the first entry so now I'm stuck doing them. Knowing that sometimes I can get a whole 30 pageviews in one day, I'm sure the masses would be calling for my head if I were to abandon this project....so here we go again. As before, you can see all the commercials HERE.

Concert: The fact that this commercial was allegedly based on a true store does not make it any less dumb. Really convincing performances by the actors who played the parents, right? My main problem with this spot is this: are we really supposed to believe that not only did these parents both lose track of their child, but that the child somehow made it all the way on the stage and when he began to play the piano, someone on the stage crew opened the curtain instead of grabbing the kid? This commercial has so many implausibilities that it just induced a run on sentence. But hey, based on a true story! Can't refute that!

The Greatest: I have to be honest, this commercial actually wasn't that bad in concept....but why oh why is the music selection "Celebration?!" Why did we need music anyway? It made this commercial go from a mild cheddar to a sharp cheddar...just a little too cheesy. (that joke was cheesy in itself wasn't it?)

You Can Let Go: You can let go now in these situations:
Letting go of the bike: Go ahead dad, let go of my bike--I'm growing up!
Giving her away at her wedding: Don't worry dad, my husband will take care of me.
In the hospital: Yeah, you can go ahead and die now. Stop holding on and let go.
Really? The commercial starts off cute and then you realize the girl is imploring her dad to die. Then it's just morbid.

Pinata: This one is pretty bland, but have you ever seen a pinata break so perfectly like that? It splits right down the middle so every piece of candy rains down to the ground. Just glorious...but probably rigged.

You Raise Me Up: I was mostly disappointed that Rich Rodriguez didn't make it into this commercial. The true comedy of this commercial comes from the online description of it:
"Our goal was to develop a visual montage that would compliment the rich meaning of these lyrics. We looked at the theme, "Raise Me Up" and put a team of researchers on the task of selecting scenes that both caught the spirit of the song and flowed together to tell a story."
A team of researchers?! These guys mean business folks. Great research here.

Homecoming: First off, this poor girl had her confidence and self-image shattered by values.com when they told her "you're so ugly and repulsive...you'll be perfect for this commercial!" On top of that, the whole concept of "true beauty" here is basically telling the audience "hey this girl is really ugly and usually wouldn't be in a situation like this." So they're telling us that she is ugly, but she's also not. Kind of counter intuitive if you ask me.

Crosswalk: Apparently the messaged intended by this commercial is that this kid should have offered to walk this woman across the street. Why do people think it's a rule that old people need to be walked across the street? Why don't old people require help walking on the sidewalk too? Is it harder walking on asphalt? Are old people scared they're going to fall down and motorists will just run them over? I don't understand.

Good Stuff: Two things: First, do you think you'd ever walk into a bar where you said you were feeling down and the bartender didn't serve you a drink? That bartender has zero business sense. Second, that guy in the commercial has pretty serious problems if the first thing he does when he fights with his wife is go off to a bar BY HIMSELF. Just sayin'.

Values.com: The Bane Of My Existence, Pt. 1

Values.com, a product of The Foundation For a Better Life, is ruining my life. Somehow they've managed to buy an ungodly amount of tv spots to ensure that I have to watch one of their commercials pretty much any time I watch TV. Usually I enjoy writing these blogs, but values.com has become my arch nemesis. Writing these HURT. They hurt so much I can only do about 8 at a time so I'll have to break these up into parts. Unfortunately (fortunately?) the values.com videos can only be found on their website, so you'll have to go there if you want to watch them...but I'm sure if you've watched TV in the last month you've probably seen most of them. You can go HERE to watch each and everyone of these crimes against my existence. Anyways, here's the breakdown of the first 8:

Purse: I first saw this commercial when I looked up at the TV just at the part where he started running with the purse. I bet myself a million dollars that he would be giving the purse back to a black woman, bringing my total up to 172 millions dollars that I owe myself. Of course the best part of this monstrosity was saved for last when the cop offers the kid a doughnut. So it's wrong to stereotype a goth kid into a person that probably does drugs and probably wouldn't return a lost purse…but it's funny to perpetuate the 'cops eating donuts' stereotype? I'm confused. And why wasn't the cop wearing a pig nose too while they were at it?

Just Say Hi: You know, I would probably feel pretty damn awkward too if I was wearing a school uniform and no one else was.

We Shall Be Free: As I started the write up for this spot it came on my TV simultaneously. I hate my life. Someone just explain to me who the hell those people are dancing on the subway and what it has to do with the commercial or world peace.

Soccer: Latinos playing soccer with Ricky Martin music playing…Racial stereotypes, pass it on! Also, is it just me or does the narrator have a 'guy interpreting for a Spanish speaker' type of voice?

Wet Cement: First off, I know that guy is old but he must be borderline deaf if he didn't hear that kid until he was right next to him…I don't really buy that.
The description for this commercial say they hope to put the viewer in the position of the grandpa and ask "What would I do?" They go on to say "We think your viewers will smile with relief" as they find out what the grandpa does...wait..."Smile with relief?" I guess they must think everyone was thinking "I bet he's going to beat the crap out of that kid! I hope he doesn't do it!"
And I thought these guys had faith in humanity.

Breakaway: The first ten seconds of this commercial when the song just goes "dadadada" made the writers of this commercial really work to come up with some imagery before the rest of the song just tells them what to use. Good work.

Basketball: On the first day of screenwriting class I learned one of the cardinal rules of writing is not to write dialogue that exists just to explain abstract details to the audience.
"Come on Alex the ref did not call that"
"It's the championship game!"
Yeah, I don't think these guys ever took a class about screenwriting.

Never Too Late: Thankfully the people who made these commercials didn't have the sense to shoot them in HD. The way too close up images of these old people laughing would have been even more terrifying.

Bud Light Tells Joke It Doesn't Understand

I'm sure there was someone in the room when this commercial was written up who said "hey, wait a second! Those guys aren't standing in the right order anyways because it would spell 'GRILIES' if they did!" Then I'm sure someone told him/her to shut up and that it didn't make a difference. Whoever told them to shut up was probably one of the people who spent way too long trying to find a duo of words that would work for this concept and then just gave up and thought this was close enough even it didn't make any sense.

Actually, I think I'm giving them way too much credit and they probably just didn't care at all if it didn't make sense. Even Carl Weathers' diagram at the end is wrong! I'm sure Bud Light was just being ironic. (Sorry guys, but that excuse for stupidity has already been used.)

Thanks to Curtis and Daran for the tip on this one.

The Cream Rises To The Top...And Then Some

Apparently McDonald's really opened up the checkbook on this commercial in landing these talented "hand dancers" for this commercial. Prior to this commercial I was not familiar with the hand dances but they actually have some cool videos on youtube. In this commercial, however, it just seems dumb.

But all of that is besides the point. Take a look at what goes on from 0:09 to 0:11...McDonald's proprietary antigravity whip cream! That stuff doesn't move no matter how far you tip the cup! I'm sure booking the hand dancers was a small drop in the bucket compared to the NASA level research it took for them to develop that exquisite nimbus cream hovering over the coffee.

Fast food advertising has really gotten out of hand and it seems like McDonald's is now just taunting us at this point. I've tolerated seeing the absolutely perfect burgers in the commercials that bear little resemblance to the ones you'll find in restaurants, but this whip cream nonsense is over the top. I bet there are more people who notice the ridiculous whip cream in this commercial than there are people who would actually care if the whip cream wasn't absolutely PERFECT.

Sorry McDonald's, but no amount of fancy hand dancing is going to draw my attention away from your magically mesmerizing whip cream.

(Thanks to Evan for the tip on this one)

Kids: Write to Best Buy Instead of Santa

This commercial just comes off a little too arrogant. I expect companies to compare themselves to their competition but taking on Santa? What will the children think Best Buy?! You really shouldn't present them with a Santa that is so inept that he has to rely on an ordinary (albeit very short) Best Buy employee to save Christmas.

Just look at how terrible they make Santa look:
1. He apparently has crashed his sleigh into a snowman and then just abandoned the wreckage.
2. He obviously procrastinated on getting his employee elves to work on toys for the coming Christmas.
3. For being someone known to be jolly, he is awfully pessimistic and quick to cancel Christmas.

So go ahead Best Buy, completely rewrite the mythology and tell the world you're way better than every child's favorite person in the month of December and that without you he would be nothing.

Oh, and that joke at the end about lower gastrointestinal bleeding was in bad taste too.

Merry Christmas From Your Favorite Beer......But Not Really

Ah, the commercial that wasn't good when it debuted in 1990 is back for year #20! Thanks for being here, Corona. Really though, who decided this commercial was clever enough to become such a fixture? Maybe there has been a standing challenge at Corona to anyone who can make another Christmas commercial with a beach theme that doesn't involve a palm tree with Christmas lights...somebody save us from this already. In the meantime, that palm tree has enjoyed more screen time than most Hollywood actors and the whistling guy is probably pissed that he volunteered his whistling for Corona when he was an intern there 20 years ago and isn't collecting any royalties....well, that and that his internship prepared him to do marketing for the extremely small "beach marketing" niche. I'm sure all of his co workers at Coppertone now know why they've been hearing him whistle for all these years.

So you thought a 20 year run was bad? How about this TWENTY THREE YEAR OLD commercial that is as much a commercial for beer as it is recycling:



Copyright 2006?! Who are you fooling? I bet whoever at Budweiser came up with the "hey when we reformat this commercial for HD we can change the copyright date so people will forget that it's from 1987" is (still) patting himself on the back right now. As with the Corona commercial can someone tell me why this commercial is good enough to have been on for so long? OMG! It's those horses! In the snow! With a Christmas tree! Do you think when this commercial was screened for the higher ups at Bud that they gave the commercial a standing ovation with tears in their eyes and exclaimed "It's beautiful! Let's show this commercial until the end of time!" I guess I'm just shocked that we never saw an equally pedestrian commercial with those stupid frogs in Christmas hats or something.

It really looks like I'm going to be seeing these commercials for the rest of my life...but why? I've seen great commercials (and really, just about any commercial) before that last no more than 6 months on the air. Maybe you disagree with me about not liking these commercials, but do you really like seeing these commercials year after year? Are Bud and Corona just hoping that at this point people just expect these commercials to be on and that they're associated with Christmas enough that they can be lazy and never make another Christmas commercial again? I guess if any two companies were to pull something like this, it would be companies that use the same gimmicks for their commercials over and over again--Bud with the horses and Corona with the beaches.

Do you think the employees of Corona and Bud send out the same exact Christmas card to their friends and family every year?