Values.com: The Bane Of My Existence, Pt. 1

Values.com, a product of The Foundation For a Better Life, is ruining my life. Somehow they've managed to buy an ungodly amount of tv spots to ensure that I have to watch one of their commercials pretty much any time I watch TV. Usually I enjoy writing these blogs, but values.com has become my arch nemesis. Writing these HURT. They hurt so much I can only do about 8 at a time so I'll have to break these up into parts. Unfortunately (fortunately?) the values.com videos can only be found on their website, so you'll have to go there if you want to watch them...but I'm sure if you've watched TV in the last month you've probably seen most of them. You can go HERE to watch each and everyone of these crimes against my existence. Anyways, here's the breakdown of the first 8:

Purse: I first saw this commercial when I looked up at the TV just at the part where he started running with the purse. I bet myself a million dollars that he would be giving the purse back to a black woman, bringing my total up to 172 millions dollars that I owe myself. Of course the best part of this monstrosity was saved for last when the cop offers the kid a doughnut. So it's wrong to stereotype a goth kid into a person that probably does drugs and probably wouldn't return a lost purse…but it's funny to perpetuate the 'cops eating donuts' stereotype? I'm confused. And why wasn't the cop wearing a pig nose too while they were at it?

Just Say Hi: You know, I would probably feel pretty damn awkward too if I was wearing a school uniform and no one else was.

We Shall Be Free: As I started the write up for this spot it came on my TV simultaneously. I hate my life. Someone just explain to me who the hell those people are dancing on the subway and what it has to do with the commercial or world peace.

Soccer: Latinos playing soccer with Ricky Martin music playing…Racial stereotypes, pass it on! Also, is it just me or does the narrator have a 'guy interpreting for a Spanish speaker' type of voice?

Wet Cement: First off, I know that guy is old but he must be borderline deaf if he didn't hear that kid until he was right next to him…I don't really buy that.
The description for this commercial say they hope to put the viewer in the position of the grandpa and ask "What would I do?" They go on to say "We think your viewers will smile with relief" as they find out what the grandpa does...wait..."Smile with relief?" I guess they must think everyone was thinking "I bet he's going to beat the crap out of that kid! I hope he doesn't do it!"
And I thought these guys had faith in humanity.

Breakaway: The first ten seconds of this commercial when the song just goes "dadadada" made the writers of this commercial really work to come up with some imagery before the rest of the song just tells them what to use. Good work.

Basketball: On the first day of screenwriting class I learned one of the cardinal rules of writing is not to write dialogue that exists just to explain abstract details to the audience.
"Come on Alex the ref did not call that"
"It's the championship game!"
Yeah, I don't think these guys ever took a class about screenwriting.

Never Too Late: Thankfully the people who made these commercials didn't have the sense to shoot them in HD. The way too close up images of these old people laughing would have been even more terrifying.