Monday, January 24, 2011
Screen Images Simulated Fabricated
This isn't so much about the commercial itself--it's a fine angle to market the importance of having a reliable cellular network (though I'd say it's more of an indictment of being way too insecure and angry than it is of a faulty network).
But no, today this post is more about a practice in cell phone commercials that drives me absolutely insane. I've poked fun at this before in a previous posting but I wanted to discuss it again becuase it's just so annoying: why do the images on cell phone screens have to be "simulated?" Why can't you just show us what the content on the screen actually looks like?! This is very similar to the credit card swiping injustice that the credit card companies refuse to acknowledge or fix. I swear I'm not the only one who notices these things, right?
Anyways, when have you ever received a message on your phone that resembled anything like what our short-fused friend got in this commercial? Have you ever had a message that automatically opened when you received it either? Me neither. Though contrary to the commercial I have definitely not received a message on time becuase I had AT&T...
So what is the point of fabricating these screen images? Would this commercial be any worse if that cute taco party invite were replaced with an email or a text message that said the same thing? It just seems like a misrepresentation of a product to me. Like I said before, the commercial is fine, but why the need to distort the capabilities of the cell phone?
Seriously though, why does this guy flip out that much about not hearing about the taco party? Seems like a guy with that bad of an attitude would be terrible for the office environment. He should be fired so he can use his severance package to sign up for AT&T.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Values.com: The Bane of My Existence, Part 3
I came to a terrifying realization today: what if they never take these commercials off the air?! They're obviously printing money at their offices somehow since everywhere I look they either have a commercial on tv or an ad on a billboard or a bus stop. I swear they just added more commercials to their website which means I might be stuck writing about these for a while. WHAT DID WE DO AS A SOCIETY TO DESERVE THIS?? Do they know we're laughing/cringing at the sight of these commercials so they just keep making more in spite of us? Are they reading this blog and laughing at me? This has to stop. As before, you can watch all of their commercials to your heart's content HERE.
Classroom: This one is really too easy as I'm pretty sure everyone asks the same question upon seeing this: "Doesn't this imply that they've cheated before then?" Yes. Yes it does. But hey I guess they didn't get caught those times so good for them!
Cafeteria: They really nailed the early 90's "Clueless" type feel for this commercial. Is that what they were going for? I think it would have been a way better commercial if it had been set in a prison. Same message, but way more compelling.
Generosity: You know what isn't generous about this? Spending school funding on a bus to take an entire busload of kids to drop of a bag of cans to a shelter. I'm not sure how much it costs for a bus trip like that, but I can assure you that money could have been donated to the shelter instead. Those kids are so selfish.
Top Shelf: Making a mess in the grocery store and then abandoning the scene of the crime for someone else to deal with: pass it on!
Everyday Heroes: Hey Vanessa's mom, why didn't you just teach your daughter how to read if she was already in the third grade and didn't know how? You obviously had the time to write that letter and it looks like you either don't work or are off early enough to pick her up from school...so what have you been doing all this time instead of teaching poor Vanessa to read? The description for this commercial cracks me up:
Reach: So I guess we're just not supposed to notice that the two lane highway they're on is allegedly one way only and there aren't cars driving the wrong way. Magical. But the real magic was apparently in the acting.
Truck Stop: So did he take that photo out of his wallet so he wouldn't feel guilty next time this happened? I couldn't tell.
Deli: Sorry, but I'm not going to be nice if guy at the deli counter is being a jerk. If this were real life, the guy would have stood up and said "hey, go eff yourself." Insults. Throw them back!
Classroom: This one is really too easy as I'm pretty sure everyone asks the same question upon seeing this: "Doesn't this imply that they've cheated before then?" Yes. Yes it does. But hey I guess they didn't get caught those times so good for them!
Cafeteria: They really nailed the early 90's "Clueless" type feel for this commercial. Is that what they were going for? I think it would have been a way better commercial if it had been set in a prison. Same message, but way more compelling.
Generosity: You know what isn't generous about this? Spending school funding on a bus to take an entire busload of kids to drop of a bag of cans to a shelter. I'm not sure how much it costs for a bus trip like that, but I can assure you that money could have been donated to the shelter instead. Those kids are so selfish.
Top Shelf: Making a mess in the grocery store and then abandoning the scene of the crime for someone else to deal with: pass it on!
Everyday Heroes: Hey Vanessa's mom, why didn't you just teach your daughter how to read if she was already in the third grade and didn't know how? You obviously had the time to write that letter and it looks like you either don't work or are off early enough to pick her up from school...so what have you been doing all this time instead of teaching poor Vanessa to read? The description for this commercial cracks me up:
The director wanted a warm look for the spot that would be reminiscent of the tone in the movie October Sky. During filming, the crew shot so as to create that look through the lens. In post-production, the director, cinematographer and editor changed the coloring to give the desired effect of warm light. This made for a much more intimate setting and feel. The art directors were also responsible for re-decorating the classroom to give it the desired look -- they hung up the alphabet, artwork, bulletin boards and even painted the walls! The crew also had to put everything back to normal after the filming.Um, it's a terrible commercial, not a multi-million dollar film. I don't think anyone noticed any of this work you did...and now that I do, I still don't care.
Reach: So I guess we're just not supposed to notice that the two lane highway they're on is allegedly one way only and there aren't cars driving the wrong way. Magical. But the real magic was apparently in the acting.
The concluding line - "Saved the day!" - was unscripted. It came naturally to the actor, the director liked it, and the team decided to keep it.Impressive stuff! How did he come up with that? And why didn't I see him on the Golden Globes last weekend?
Truck Stop: So did he take that photo out of his wallet so he wouldn't feel guilty next time this happened? I couldn't tell.
Deli: Sorry, but I'm not going to be nice if guy at the deli counter is being a jerk. If this were real life, the guy would have stood up and said "hey, go eff yourself." Insults. Throw them back!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Values.com: The Bane Of My Existence, Pt. 2
I've really been dreading having to watch more of these commercials (pause for a second: THERE IS ANOTHER ONE OF THESE ASININE COMMERCIALS ON MY TV RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! MAKE THEM GO AWAY! SOMEONE!) to write up another post. Unfortunately I kind of screwed myself by announcing I would do a review of all these commercials in the first entry so now I'm stuck doing them. Knowing that sometimes I can get a whole 30 pageviews in one day, I'm sure the masses would be calling for my head if I were to abandon this project....so here we go again. As before, you can see all the commercials HERE.
Concert: The fact that this commercial was allegedly based on a true store does not make it any less dumb. Really convincing performances by the actors who played the parents, right? My main problem with this spot is this: are we really supposed to believe that not only did these parents both lose track of their child, but that the child somehow made it all the way on the stage and when he began to play the piano, someone on the stage crew opened the curtain instead of grabbing the kid? This commercial has so many implausibilities that it just induced a run on sentence. But hey, based on a true story! Can't refute that!
The Greatest: I have to be honest, this commercial actually wasn't that bad in concept....but why oh why is the music selection "Celebration?!" Why did we need music anyway? It made this commercial go from a mild cheddar to a sharp cheddar...just a little too cheesy. (that joke was cheesy in itself wasn't it?)
You Can Let Go: You can let go now in these situations:
Letting go of the bike: Go ahead dad, let go of my bike--I'm growing up!
Giving her away at her wedding: Don't worry dad, my husband will take care of me.
In the hospital: Yeah, you can go ahead and die now. Stop holding on and let go.
Really? The commercial starts off cute and then you realize the girl is imploring her dad to die. Then it's just morbid.
Pinata: This one is pretty bland, but have you ever seen a pinata break so perfectly like that? It splits right down the middle so every piece of candy rains down to the ground. Just glorious...but probably rigged.
You Raise Me Up: I was mostly disappointed that Rich Rodriguez didn't make it into this commercial. The true comedy of this commercial comes from the online description of it:
"Our goal was to develop a visual montage that would compliment the rich meaning of these lyrics. We looked at the theme, "Raise Me Up" and put a team of researchers on the task of selecting scenes that both caught the spirit of the song and flowed together to tell a story."
A team of researchers?! These guys mean business folks. Great research here.
Homecoming: First off, this poor girl had her confidence and self-image shattered by values.com when they told her "you're so ugly and repulsive...you'll be perfect for this commercial!" On top of that, the whole concept of "true beauty" here is basically telling the audience "hey this girl is really ugly and usually wouldn't be in a situation like this." So they're telling us that she is ugly, but she's also not. Kind of counter intuitive if you ask me.
Crosswalk: Apparently the messaged intended by this commercial is that this kid should have offered to walk this woman across the street. Why do people think it's a rule that old people need to be walked across the street? Why don't old people require help walking on the sidewalk too? Is it harder walking on asphalt? Are old people scared they're going to fall down and motorists will just run them over? I don't understand.
Good Stuff: Two things: First, do you think you'd ever walk into a bar where you said you were feeling down and the bartender didn't serve you a drink? That bartender has zero business sense. Second, that guy in the commercial has pretty serious problems if the first thing he does when he fights with his wife is go off to a bar BY HIMSELF. Just sayin'.
Concert: The fact that this commercial was allegedly based on a true store does not make it any less dumb. Really convincing performances by the actors who played the parents, right? My main problem with this spot is this: are we really supposed to believe that not only did these parents both lose track of their child, but that the child somehow made it all the way on the stage and when he began to play the piano, someone on the stage crew opened the curtain instead of grabbing the kid? This commercial has so many implausibilities that it just induced a run on sentence. But hey, based on a true story! Can't refute that!
The Greatest: I have to be honest, this commercial actually wasn't that bad in concept....but why oh why is the music selection "Celebration?!" Why did we need music anyway? It made this commercial go from a mild cheddar to a sharp cheddar...just a little too cheesy. (that joke was cheesy in itself wasn't it?)
You Can Let Go: You can let go now in these situations:
Letting go of the bike: Go ahead dad, let go of my bike--I'm growing up!
Giving her away at her wedding: Don't worry dad, my husband will take care of me.
In the hospital: Yeah, you can go ahead and die now. Stop holding on and let go.
Really? The commercial starts off cute and then you realize the girl is imploring her dad to die. Then it's just morbid.
Pinata: This one is pretty bland, but have you ever seen a pinata break so perfectly like that? It splits right down the middle so every piece of candy rains down to the ground. Just glorious...but probably rigged.
You Raise Me Up: I was mostly disappointed that Rich Rodriguez didn't make it into this commercial. The true comedy of this commercial comes from the online description of it:
"Our goal was to develop a visual montage that would compliment the rich meaning of these lyrics. We looked at the theme, "Raise Me Up" and put a team of researchers on the task of selecting scenes that both caught the spirit of the song and flowed together to tell a story."
A team of researchers?! These guys mean business folks. Great research here.
Homecoming: First off, this poor girl had her confidence and self-image shattered by values.com when they told her "you're so ugly and repulsive...you'll be perfect for this commercial!" On top of that, the whole concept of "true beauty" here is basically telling the audience "hey this girl is really ugly and usually wouldn't be in a situation like this." So they're telling us that she is ugly, but she's also not. Kind of counter intuitive if you ask me.
Crosswalk: Apparently the messaged intended by this commercial is that this kid should have offered to walk this woman across the street. Why do people think it's a rule that old people need to be walked across the street? Why don't old people require help walking on the sidewalk too? Is it harder walking on asphalt? Are old people scared they're going to fall down and motorists will just run them over? I don't understand.
Good Stuff: Two things: First, do you think you'd ever walk into a bar where you said you were feeling down and the bartender didn't serve you a drink? That bartender has zero business sense. Second, that guy in the commercial has pretty serious problems if the first thing he does when he fights with his wife is go off to a bar BY HIMSELF. Just sayin'.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Values.com: The Bane Of My Existence, Pt. 1
Values.com, a product of The Foundation For a Better Life, is ruining my life. Somehow they've managed to buy an ungodly amount of tv spots to ensure that I have to watch one of their commercials pretty much any time I watch TV. Usually I enjoy writing these blogs, but values.com has become my arch nemesis. Writing these HURT. They hurt so much I can only do about 8 at a time so I'll have to break these up into parts. Unfortunately (fortunately?) the values.com videos can only be found on their website, so you'll have to go there if you want to watch them...but I'm sure if you've watched TV in the last month you've probably seen most of them. You can go HERE to watch each and everyone of these crimes against my existence. Anyways, here's the breakdown of the first 8:
Purse: I first saw this commercial when I looked up at the TV just at the part where he started running with the purse. I bet myself a million dollars that he would be giving the purse back to a black woman, bringing my total up to 172 millions dollars that I owe myself. Of course the best part of this monstrosity was saved for last when the cop offers the kid a doughnut. So it's wrong to stereotype a goth kid into a person that probably does drugs and probably wouldn't return a lost purse…but it's funny to perpetuate the 'cops eating donuts' stereotype? I'm confused. And why wasn't the cop wearing a pig nose too while they were at it?
Just Say Hi: You know, I would probably feel pretty damn awkward too if I was wearing a school uniform and no one else was.
We Shall Be Free: As I started the write up for this spot it came on my TV simultaneously. I hate my life. Someone just explain to me who the hell those people are dancing on the subway and what it has to do with the commercial or world peace.
Soccer: Latinos playing soccer with Ricky Martin music playing…Racial stereotypes, pass it on! Also, is it just me or does the narrator have a 'guy interpreting for a Spanish speaker' type of voice?
Wet Cement: First off, I know that guy is old but he must be borderline deaf if he didn't hear that kid until he was right next to him…I don't really buy that.
The description for this commercial say they hope to put the viewer in the position of the grandpa and ask "What would I do?" They go on to say "We think your viewers will smile with relief" as they find out what the grandpa does...wait..."Smile with relief?" I guess they must think everyone was thinking "I bet he's going to beat the crap out of that kid! I hope he doesn't do it!"
And I thought these guys had faith in humanity.
Breakaway: The first ten seconds of this commercial when the song just goes "dadadada" made the writers of this commercial really work to come up with some imagery before the rest of the song just tells them what to use. Good work.
Basketball: On the first day of screenwriting class I learned one of the cardinal rules of writing is not to write dialogue that exists just to explain abstract details to the audience.
"Come on Alex the ref did not call that"
"It's the championship game!"
Yeah, I don't think these guys ever took a class about screenwriting.
Never Too Late: Thankfully the people who made these commercials didn't have the sense to shoot them in HD. The way too close up images of these old people laughing would have been even more terrifying.
Purse: I first saw this commercial when I looked up at the TV just at the part where he started running with the purse. I bet myself a million dollars that he would be giving the purse back to a black woman, bringing my total up to 172 millions dollars that I owe myself. Of course the best part of this monstrosity was saved for last when the cop offers the kid a doughnut. So it's wrong to stereotype a goth kid into a person that probably does drugs and probably wouldn't return a lost purse…but it's funny to perpetuate the 'cops eating donuts' stereotype? I'm confused. And why wasn't the cop wearing a pig nose too while they were at it?
Just Say Hi: You know, I would probably feel pretty damn awkward too if I was wearing a school uniform and no one else was.
We Shall Be Free: As I started the write up for this spot it came on my TV simultaneously. I hate my life. Someone just explain to me who the hell those people are dancing on the subway and what it has to do with the commercial or world peace.
Soccer: Latinos playing soccer with Ricky Martin music playing…Racial stereotypes, pass it on! Also, is it just me or does the narrator have a 'guy interpreting for a Spanish speaker' type of voice?
Wet Cement: First off, I know that guy is old but he must be borderline deaf if he didn't hear that kid until he was right next to him…I don't really buy that.
The description for this commercial say they hope to put the viewer in the position of the grandpa and ask "What would I do?" They go on to say "We think your viewers will smile with relief" as they find out what the grandpa does...wait..."Smile with relief?" I guess they must think everyone was thinking "I bet he's going to beat the crap out of that kid! I hope he doesn't do it!"
And I thought these guys had faith in humanity.
Breakaway: The first ten seconds of this commercial when the song just goes "dadadada" made the writers of this commercial really work to come up with some imagery before the rest of the song just tells them what to use. Good work.
Basketball: On the first day of screenwriting class I learned one of the cardinal rules of writing is not to write dialogue that exists just to explain abstract details to the audience.
"Come on Alex the ref did not call that"
"It's the championship game!"
Yeah, I don't think these guys ever took a class about screenwriting.
Never Too Late: Thankfully the people who made these commercials didn't have the sense to shoot them in HD. The way too close up images of these old people laughing would have been even more terrifying.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bud Light Tells Joke It Doesn't Understand
I'm sure there was someone in the room when this commercial was written up who said "hey, wait a second! Those guys aren't standing in the right order anyways because it would spell 'GRILIES' if they did!" Then I'm sure someone told him/her to shut up and that it didn't make a difference. Whoever told them to shut up was probably one of the people who spent way too long trying to find a duo of words that would work for this concept and then just gave up and thought this was close enough even it didn't make any sense.
Actually, I think I'm giving them way too much credit and they probably just didn't care at all if it didn't make sense. Even Carl Weathers' diagram at the end is wrong! I'm sure Bud Light was just being ironic. (Sorry guys, but that excuse for stupidity has already been used.)
Thanks to Curtis and Daran for the tip on this one.
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