The Realist Commercial for the Realist Hair Color

I really guess I am that guy. The guy who has a blog, tells people to read it, and then alternates between abandoning and reviving it for years. It's like the crossfit of writing onli--HAHA JUST KIDDING nothing is as bad as those people. The shame in letting the blog die has finally overcome the shame in returning. I didn't really quit this blog...I just stopped writing it down. My friends will (bemoaningly) attest to that.

It's been four years and we've learned nothing about making smart commercials. Here we are in this golden age of television with a seemingly infinite amount of good programming and yet the ads in between haven't improved one bit. Maybe they just know we're not paying attention anyways and are focusing on getting real estate on the other screens we're looking at. Unfortunately, I can't help but notice how lazy (and in today's case, dishonest!) they are. It's the second Just for Men commercial I've written about. Let's check it out!

   

They sent two women on a REAL* (not real) guys night out! It's just such perfect timing that the "actor portrayal" disclaimer pops up just as they say "real." It's like the fake news of commercials! For now, let's just look at the premise of the commercial itself...why exactly did someone think this was a good or interesting idea? Whoa, they let women tag along on a guys night out?! Is that even legal?! I would venture to say most "guys night out" activities are centered around trying to talk to women (amongst single guys, of course) but I guess men and women hanging out is really supposed to blow our minds.

But fine, Just for Men broke all the rules and now these women are...supposed to find out who uses Just for Men...for some reason? What exactly were these women looking for beyond how the guys look, anyways? Would a wimpy Just for Men user not be good at pool or order a Cosmo to drink? Of course the girls guess the wrong guy, right? Nope! The dude just tells the girls, "hey, it's me" and the girls act surprised* (except who actually knows because this isn't real). We were having an experiment here until you ruined it! Isn't the whole premise of Just for Men that people don't have to know that you use it?

So surprise, surprise, it's the one of the group that looks like Jamie fucking Lannister. Of course it isn't enough of a message to just say "see, even young, attractive men can go grey and we can easily help." They also had to use the super exaggerated "before and after" approach, the first of which looks like what I look like after binge drinking for an entire weekend in Vegas. And after using Just for Men? A spray tan, healthy looking skin, and far more complimentary lighting. They might as well have put him through the flower crown filter on Snapchat for good measure. Of course the attractive (albeit mildly grey) version is the one we see the guy actually using the product. But does he actually use the product? Who knows, the commercial said they were all actors!

The only possible explanation for this bizarre commercial making any semblance of sense is that it was meant to be longer than 15 seconds but someone changed their minds and decided to make it a 15 second spot and someone did the best they could to cut it down. If a longer version previously aired, I never saw it--and I don't need to see any more of a sexy murder reenactment version of a hair dye commercial.

On Vitamin C and Auto Insurance Agents

I saw a billboard today for Odwalla juice or naked juice or something and it said "Vitamin C has never tasted this good." It just struck me as a really dumb thing to say. Has anyone ever thought to themselves "I wish there was a tastier way to get my Vitamin C?" Those chewable orange-flavored Vitamin C tablets are delicious. I'm sure the juice tastes great but it's not like I would sitting there drinking it and thinking "I can't believe there's vitamin C in this; it tastes too good!" Anyways, I'm just sick of advertisements saying that really don't make any sense...kinda like this State Farm commercial.

As they've been doing for seemingly years now, State Farm continues to perpetuate this myth that their agents are these social mavens that everyone in the neighborhood loves. I mean hell, apparently Aaron Rodgers just hangs out at their office all the time. I would venture to say most people don't even know their auto insurance agent's name but in State Farm's world they're local celebrities. It must be tough to be a State Farm agent when you can't even go to the grocery store without everyone recognizing you and asking you about renter's insurance. State Farm really should change their dress code policy that apparently stipulates you wear a red sweater everywhere you go.

So on to this specific commercial. You're telling me this guy actually asked his insurance agent to come to a basketball game with him? It's just such an unintentionally sad premise for a commercial. Clearly the guy is lonely and has no friends to take to the game with him. How would that idea even enter a normal person's mind? So you're happy that your insurance agent helped save you some money and you're thinking of a way to thank him and your conclusion is "I'll take him to a basketball game?" When I go to my dentist appointment in a couple weeks I almost just want to casually say "hey you've done some great work here, wanna go catch a ballgame sometime?" to see his reaction. To me that sounds like "I have no friends and you're the first person I've had a positive interaction with this week so you need to be my friend." The poor guy must have no friends and some serious family problems if he's hanging out with the guy from State Farm. Really sad stuff guys.

I'm not gonna get into the whole dancing thing. It isn't funny and really doesn't make any sense how they have this entire dance choreographed but I'm going to let it go. What I do want to point out however is the fact that NO ONE around them gives a crap about their stupid dance. Usually at a game when someone is on the big screen everyone around them is either watching the people do whatever it is they're doing or they're trying to obnoxiously get their face into the shot so they can see themselves on the big screen too. But not here--everyone is just sitting in this strange silence like thy're trying to pretend that they don't even see what's going on. It must be because they're trying to be respectful of the celebrity auto insurance agent and don't want to gawk too much.

DiGiorno Doesn't Deliver

Don't call it a comeback! God, I hate when people say that...and I therefore hate myself for letting that creep into my mind. When is that gonna die? The song is 20+ years old (no seriously, look it up) and people still routinely use it in reference to something that could undoubtedly be considered a comeback. 37 (Yes, I counted) people on Twitter have said "don't call it a comeback" today, most of which are in reference to the New York Rangers being down 3-2 in the Eastern Conference Finals against the New Jersey Devils. If the Rangers do come back to win the series, it is not only unequivocally a comeback in every sense of the word but it will also be considered a comeback too. So really, let's just put an end to this as it should have exited the lexicon about 18 years ago. Are people actually going to be saying YOLO in 20 years?

Shit, this is my commercial blog isn't it? Sorry guys, that escalated quickly. Let's get back on track. I guess I'm getting back to work on this blog for the time being mostly because I'm sick of my friends ribbing me about how they "used to know this one friend who had a blog about commercials" every time I mention something about a commercial. While I'm pretty sure they were saying that just to annoy me and weren't in fact clamoring for the return of the blog I'm going to do it anyways just so they can shut up.

By now you've probably already stopped reading either because you don't give a crap about my thoughts on LL Cool J lyrics from the early 90's or you see that I've got an older DiGiorno commercial queued up here. I know, I know, this is a complete softball of a commercial to critique. But hey, I've been out of the game for a few months I need to warm up a little. I just spent the last 5 minutes trying to think of a middling professional athlete who made an unceremonious comeback to compare myself to, but drew a blank. (If anyone thinks of one we can edit it in later.) Basically it's like if Mark Madsen inexplicably came out of retirement in hopes of making an NBA roster. Like me, he would need some time in the D(igiorno)-League too. So here we are.



Before we go any further, I just want to marvel at the fact that this clip was uploaded to Youtube as "Pizza_Man.wmv." If I had to bet my life I would have said it was 3 minute porn clip that some kid downloaded on Limewire in 2002. Moving on...you've probably seen this commercial before as it's pretty old. Why this commercial has been airing for over a year I don't know. Actually I do know why: DIGIORNO HAS NOT HAD A NEW IDEA FOR A COMMERCIAL FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER! It's always: someone sees/eats pizza and asks if it's delivery (or confuses it with delivery), which everyone agrees would never happen. This is probably true on premise alone--even if they DID confuse the pizza with pizza from a delivery chain no one would never say "is this delivery?" They would say "hey where did you get this pizza from?" And not *all* Americans are so lazy they need to have their pizza delivered...WHAT ABOUT CARRY-OUT DIGIORNO? There are a lot of great specials that are carry-out only, you guys. Basically what I'm trying to say that Digiorno has been beating a dead horse (or in Geico's case, a dead pig) into the ground for years now with an idea that never really worked anyways. It's an ad campaign that was baked in the oven for about 15 minutes at 350).

So on to this particular commercial. It's really got it all in terms of terrible ideas:
1.The kid disguising the box with duct tape(I'm sure that will do the trick...especially when the guy answers the door and the one part of the box you can see is the part that still says "Digiorno" on it. They did, however, fix this at the 18 second mark but just didn't care enough to fix it at the beginning I guess)
2. Cheap attempt at comedy with awkward white kid dancing with the black guys.
3. No one apparently finds it odd that this huge party only had one pizza delivered.
4. Oh hey! Nerdy kid hitting on chick out of his league! What a gag!

I'd like to take this opportunity to say that as far as frozen pizzas go, Digiorno is the Rolls Royce of frozen pizzas. I used to buy it on occasion in college and share it with my roomate. My roommate in turn would buy mediocre Red Baron and share it with me because he is a cheap son of a bitch. While I enjoy Digiorno I don't think I'd ever confuse it with Domino's or Papa John's. But hey, I've always had Digiorno knowing it came out of my freezer so maybe I've never had the chance to see the placebo effect at work.

I just hate ads like this where they have to show a hyper-fictionalized story to demonstrate the value of their product. If DiGiorno really believes in their pizza why don't they do some blind taste tests and give us the results? I, for one, would be impressed if 5 out of 10 people mistook DiGiorno for pizza from a major chain. I guess to the common eye 5 out of 10 would be wildly unimpressive though so they'll never do it...But I'm done with you yet DiGiorno! Here is what you do in lieu of a simple blind taste test setup in the mall or whatever: go to a suburban area and open up a pizza place. Spread the word about this place and deliver pizzas for the price of the standard DiGiorno pizza you can get at the grocery for $5. Survey the customers and see what they think. I suspect that people would say the pizza was pretty good and that they would have it again--if real people ate the pizza on the assumption that it was delivery pizza I think they would say it was passable as a delivery pizza. But if you give me a Digiorno and ask me if it's as good as delivery I'm saying no. If I could see real people mistaking Digiorno for delivery I would think the commercials were a lot more effective than seeing a rogue "pizza man" crashing a party with someone he pulled out of his oven at home. Is this plan fairly elaborate? Yes. Doable? Absolutely. So please, DiGiorno, actually put your pizza up to the test of scrap this campaign entirely.

Do not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200

I've come out of semi-retirement to post this. Aside from the jabbing with LeBron at the fact that he'll never be as good as Jordan, this commercial fails on all levels. For the most part, this commercial would be a lot more believable with just a simple fix: switch the prizes Lebron and Stacy win. Are you telling me that Stacy here just won a million dollars and that's her reaction? Wouldn't you think she would be a little more excited about winning a million dollars (especially considering if she won a million dollars she could meet her girlfriends at a nicer place for lunch than McDonald's)? And conversely there's LeBron, a millionaire who we're supposed to believe would be excited about winning a free order of fries. Even worse, he looks around with a goofy "i haven't been this pleased with myself since that solitary time I made a clutch shot in the playoffs" look.

You switch their reactions and it's absolutely perfect. Stacy realizes she's won.....FREE FRIES! "AYYYYYAYAYA I can cash this in next time I eat here for lunch and save some money since the only possible explanation I meet my friends at McDonald's for lunch is because I'm completely broke!" Then we cut to LeBron who realizes "ha, I won a million dollars right now! Just figures because I think I'm about 200x cooler than anyone else on the planet thinks." Then he looks around with a wry look on his face thinking how much better he is than everyone else.

Wait, maybe LeBron would be excited about winning fries. I think at this point LeBron is probably excited to win anything. Oh and if LeBron ever actually eats McDonald's he TOTALLY goes by himself and then sits down and eats it right there.

Sidenote: When I first saw the asterisk on the claim that "1 in 4* wins," I thought they were referencing to the fact that for 5 years the monopoly game was rigged.

I can't hold this one in any longer

I haven't had a new post in a good while, but with every viewing of this Corona commercial I grew closer and closer to doing what I just did now: saw the commercial, yelling "that's it, I'VE ABSOLUTELY HAD IT WITH THIS COMMERCIAL" and furiously logged in to the blog so I could complain about it...somehow this will make me feel better next time I see it. ("haha, Corona! You think you won by making this commercial that annoys me tremendously but I have bested you by complaining about the commercial to the whole world! Ok, so more like 5 or 6 of my friends, but anyway).

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but have you ever been served anything in glass bottle on an airplane?! I think the director's cut of this commercial probably ends with this guy and girl breaking their bottles on their arm rests and demanding everyone give them their wallets. (Wait, Quentin Tarantino didn't direct this commercial? Well he should have.)

Yes yes I know, finding Corona in a can is quite rare and seeing someone drink it out of a can is pretty much the least cool thing you can do. Seriously. Michael Phelps drank Corona in a can at a basketball game once on camera and it was controversial because he's too cool to do things like that. Go to google and type in "michael phelps corona" and watch how the auto complete suggests "in a can" to you. You drink Corona in a can and people don't forget.

So I understand that they didn't want to film this commercial using cans and wanted to opt for their trademark bottles instead. I feel like this is another classic case of "well let's just ignore reality because we really like this airplane idea so we're going to do it anyways." Really? This was the only scenario you could think of where you just want to tune out everyone and relax? How about a guy and a girl hanging out at a bar where some guy is singing terrible karaoke? At least that's a scenario that could not be misunderstood as an act of terrorism.

After the first 15 seconds of this commercial I've always already flown into a rage. It couldn't get any worse right? Oh wait, the girl orders a corona too and the flight attendant hands it to her FROM OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE. Is there some hidden flight attendant sitting in the row in front of this girl with a corona and lime ready to sneakily hand to the flight attendant on the beverage cart in anticipation of the lady's order? There must be, because it's the only possible explanation.

Congratulations Corona, you made me so upset that I defeated my lethargy to write this post. And believe me, that takes a lot to do.

I on the other hand, am badcommercialphobic

I am back from hiatus! Sadly, I’m not entirely sure anyone noticed. For my return to mediocre blogging I’ve decided to write up a post with a slightly different, more investigative approach. One of the criticisms I’ve received on this blog (well let’s be honest, I’ve only received one criticism because my blog is either great or no one cares enough to criticize it) is that I do more complaining than anything and offer no substance or solutions to the problems I present. Today I will (hopefully) silence my critic(s) with a more substantive post.

Over the past decade or so, America has slowly began to see prominent members of society out themselves as being gay as well as an increase in outed people in the general population. Support for the gay community and their rights has never been higher and the idea of someone being homosexual is no longer a taboo subject. Of course, the backlash to this movement seems to be just as passionate in steeping society in their archaic ways.

So what does this have to do with commercials? It seems to me that in recent years the concept of homosexuality has crept its way into commercials. While this seemingly sounds progressive, it isn’t. Now that homosexuality is a more common subject of conversation, it is now relegated to be what any popular subject is to be in commercials—a cheap source of comedy.

From what I’ve seen, there are currently three different commercials airing that incorporate the idea of homosexuality for a laugh (well an attempt at a laugh, since 98% of commercials that are supposed to be funny aren’t). Behold:


This one for Klondike is by far the biggest offender in its blatant homophobia. They take some of the most stereotypical “those guys can’t possibly be gay” figures in the bikers and make them hold hands because they supposedly fear “a moment of intimacy.” In doing so, Klondike is only furthering the mislead belief that “certain types of people” are gay and it would be absolutely ridiculous for a biker to be gay.

Sure Klondike, I’m sure everyone is thinking “haha that’s funny because those two tough guys don’t want to hold hands with each other because they’re afraid of intimacy.” To me it’s abundantly clear that the joke is two MEN are holding hands instead of two people afraid to hold hands because it’s “intimate.” Of course, this “challenge” is hyperbolized as being extremely arduous to the two men because they’re extremely “afraid of intimacy” (read: homophobic).

Klondike clearly knew what they were doing with this commercial by placing the homophobia under the guise of intimacy. If this were really about intimacy, why couldn’t the “challenge” have been a tough biker holding his mom’s hand or something along those lines? And after their time is up, why do two women jump onto the scene and the bikers immediately turn to them and away from each other? It was obvious to Klondike that blatantly saying “can these two men hold hands for 5 seconds?” would not be acceptable…why they thought calling homophobia something else and running with that is beyond me.

Really the only leg Klondike has to stand on would be the defense that they’re mocking that these bikers are homophobic to an embarrassing extent. Then again, calling this series of commercials “what the fudge?” moments seems to furthers the idea that the concept of men holding hands is blasphemous, not the ideas of the men themselves.


While I wouldn’t necessarily expect a frozen confectioner to resort to homophobia to promote their product, it doesn’t surprise me that a beer company would make a commercial such as this one. This one is certainly not as bad as the Klondike ad, but it also perpetuates multiple stereotypes that hinder the promotion of tolerance.

The setting: construction. Again, I presume that the construction scene was picked because some would think it would be inconceivable that a gay man could work in construction. Next the guy imagines he sees the prototypical Cindy Crawford looking woman because of course, this is what a “normal” man should picture in his head as an attractive person. He then asks “what’s your name” to the woman who isn’t actually there and the question instead is directed to the guy bending over in front of him. This scenario of course ends in extreme embarrassment.

Like I said, this commercial isn’t nearly as bad as the first one. But why even broach the subject of homophobia if you don’t have to? This same humor could have been achieved by replacing the bending over male with an old woman or something. A man hitting on an old lady seems more out of the ordinary than a man hitting on another man to me.


This Jack in the Box commercial is certainly a lot tamer than the other two (and definitely tamer than their other ad that encourages smoking weed and driving under the influence), but it still stands out to me. Obviously Jack and the guy hugging each other is supposed to be embarrassing and the girl thinks she has just discovered a huge secret about the two and this is all supposed to be funny because the two don’t want the girl to think they’re gay.

My question is simply: is this the best you really can do? It’s just such a simplistic idea to get a cheap laugh. I really think society as a whole has moved past the idea of “haha look at those guys, they’re gay.”

When those writing and filming these commercials make that advancement, however, remains to be seen.

Being Ridiculously Unrealistic: One of the Staples of Commercials

I understand that commercials aren't meant to be taken seriously (yes, I can hear you yelling "then why the hell do you waste your time on this blog?!") but I feel commercials that blend aspects of realism and the ridiculous are among the worst. I never know whether to take the commercial seriously or if it's just a caricature I'm meant to laugh at. Now sure, this commercial is probably more of a joke than anything but I still think it's entirely plausible that someone's house could be robbed and their piece of junk computer was left behind (though it does seem unusual that someone robbing a house would have the time and desire to steal a computer desk...must have been a hell of a desk).

So the family gets home from their vacation to see their house completely stripped...can you imagine that happening to you?! I would be screaming obscenities, the kid would probably be crying and wondering aloud if they took his xbox, and the wife would immediately dash into the bedroom to see if all her jewelry was gone. So what actually happens in this commercial?

"Oh, we got robbed."

Yep, that's it. No emotion whatsoever. Not even the slightest bit of panic. Thanks for stating the obvious dad! Now you could argue that the family is just in shock..but that argument falls apart as we watch the family meandering throughout the house while seemingly continuing not to care that all of their valuables are gone. Maybe they just have the best insurance money can buy? Still think they would care though.

When the family sees the computer wasn't stolen, it's not "well at least they didn't take the computer"t's "maybe we should get a new computer." This idea is apparently a new one brought on solely by the fact that the computer wasn't stolen and had nothing to do with the fact that it's ancient looking and is likely slow. Maybe it's just me, but I usually value a product's utility over whether or not someone else would want to steal it.

By far the most ridiculous aspect of this commercial though is the fact that family's first plan upon their house being robbed is to buy a new computer...of course that's what someone would do! "I know our house just got ripped apart and we have a million things to replace, but we should totally buy a new computer despite the fact that we have one that we would have definitely kept if not for a robber not wanting it."

So is this a terrible idea for a commercial? No...it might actually be a decent concept. The problem here is they take an obvious satire and then pretend like it isn't a joke. Had the family ran around the house in a panic screaming "OH GOD THE COMPUTER!" thinking the computer is valuable when it in fact isn't, it might have even been funny (technically inept people that don't realize they're living in the past is usually funny). Instead, the commercial opens somberly with a family you believe is shocked beyond emotion and then Staples reveals the punchline they did nothing to set up. Except that by the time you realize the joke it's too late to laugh and probably wasn't that funny anyway.

Extra nitpicking: The couple goes to Staples and they buy a new laptop and the guy says he transfered all their files off their old computer to the new laptop. The wife then asks the Staples guy if he moved the wedding video, the baby pictures, and the taxes onto the the new computer. If I were the Staples guy, I probably would have just said: "Everything that was on your old computer is on this one!" Instead, the Staples guy answers yes to her questions about the sensitive data--almost knowingly. How does he know there's a wedding video on the computer? Hmmmm...

(Thanks to Curtis for the discussion about this one)